I hate your Favorite Games

Sometimes I get sucked in. I will buy, rent, or demo a game that seems like a winner but actually turn out to be a loser. Sometimes it will take a couple hours, a couple days or even a couple of years for me to get over the initial shock of getting a new game. Once we've been living together for a couple months and I met her mom, it becomes clear. The game is slightly crazy, a bad cook and thinks it's ok to watch Jersey Shore in a non-ironic sense. Wait, are we still talking about video games?

Anyways, God of War is that very video game. I bought the first installment of this franchise shortly after it was released. Those first beautiful hours were much like that new relationship. I was so blinded by booze, boobs and primal gratification that I was in a haze of love. I thought it was love, but then after a day or so of playing it all came crashing down. It was like finding out the person you're dating still really likes Savage Garden. It became clear, that I was just playing Dynasty Warriors. Ok, maybe not exactly Dynasty Warriors, but close to it.

God of War is nothing but a button masher combined with with boobs, a typing tutor program and a touch of the old ultra violence. I have a math problem to illustrate my point.

Just in case I have to spell it out, the Rock Band controller represents the game's quicktime events. Which reminds me, I'm tired of quicktime events. While God of War isn't responsible for me being tired of quicktime events, it is the game that inspired everyone to use them.

The game is honestly nothing more than a Roger Corman movie with a bigger budget and better effects. I would say a better storyline, but I think that's a stretch. Because if there's much of a storyline in the first God of War, I didn't see it. All I saw was a bunch of blood and titties, but even that gets old. If I wanted to watch hours of blood and boobs, I would simply have a horror movie marathon.

I can't really hold it against people that like God of War. On paper, I should like it too. Hell, I did really like it for the first few hours. The problem is the game lacked anything to keep my attention past that. People still love God of War though. Don't let me talk anyone out of like the game. You could do a lot worse. I mean, you could like Tekken...